Our local golf course does not like Pokemon Go players running around collecting Charmanders. (There are a lot of Charmanders at this golf course.) Fair enough–we didn’t pay green fees. I get it.

But…

You are a public golf course. I knew that, but the Pokestop at your clubhouse tells us you’re one of the oldest in the city. Embrace it! Does that make it okay for random people to wander everywhere. Of course not. We’re still not paying green fees.

But…

There are two Pokestops at the golf course, and both are available from public right-of-ways. You may not know it, but the reason people keep showing up in the parking lot at the clubhouse and by the memorial to some poor guy that apparently no one ever sees (how nice was it to put a stop at a memorial?) is because of the signage and the withered jerk in the cart who tells people off. Remember the flies and honey saying? The guy in the golf cart pretty much begs for us to stick Lures (things that attract Pokemon) to certain Pokestops. Like yours. Your Pokestops are almost always equipped with Lure modules now. I can see them from my house at night.

Portland: we do passive aggressive like nobody’s business.

If you were clever, golf course, this is what you’d do.

1. Set out a table with refreshments. Nothing fancy: water would do. It’s hot out and we’re doing a lot of walking.** Suggested sign: “Welcome Pokemon Go players!”
2. Be pleasant. Even the withered guy in the golf cart.
3. Put out brochures about golfing. You never know: we might be interested. We’re spending all this time out walking, anyway, chasing things.  We’re generally willing to spend some money on, say, incense: what’s a golf club or ten?
4. Offer a free lesson to Pokemon Go players if they sign up for a couple. Nice, right?
5. But here’s the kicker: Offer tours of the golf course on carts for $10 or 15. The reason we’re all walking around is to hatch eggs. We could hunt at leisure! We’re tired of walking–some of those eggs require 10k, and it’s been rather warm. You would make out like bandits.

Think about it, golf course. This is win-win. Your course is swarming with people after dark, anyway.

*The Pokemon Go app lives on my phone, so that I can restrict pH’s access when need be, and also to catch the random Venomoth at the grocery store. Did I know jack about Pokemon before this? No. Do I think it’s cool to see so many generations of people out walking and talking to each other, helping each other? Damn straight I do.

**I wonder what Mark Twain would say about Pokemon….